Learning to Age Gracefully

Clues from Scripture, psychology, experience, and the Skin Horse

Well, folks, two months ago, I crossed over the line into senior citizen territory.

Objectively, that means I am eligible for Social Security and Medicare. Subjectively, it means having to be more careful where I set my foot, my car keys, or my phone down, so as not to fall and hurt myself or lose essential objects.

List-making and verbal repetition these days are not only helpful memory tools, but quite necessary for my daily functioning. My memory for details just doesn’t work as well as it used to. Can anyone out there feel me?

Growing older, reaching an age that is considered senior, can be quite disconcerting. Unless we die prematurely, we all face the challenges of old age. When that time arrives, what could long be denied through the magical, invincibility delusions of youth becomes inescapably real.

Aches and pains, dyspepsia, insomnia, memory failures, etc.—these are symptoms not unique to older individuals, but are certainly more common as the body and mind lose some of their youthful elasticity and resiliency.

No one has an unconditional guarantee of long life. And one gets out of being a mortal human being alive. But when it comes to aging, some do it very well, and others, not so well.

Erik Erikson, a developmental theorist and contemporary of Sigmund Freud, deviated from Freud in his belief that identity and personality continue to develop throughout all stages of life. He developed an elaborate, multi-stage theory of human development.

In his theory, Erikson labeled the senior developmental stage integrity vs. despair. The primary psychological task of this stage is to reflect on the past and make judgments about whether we have been successful or had a meaningful life.

Success in this stage means that we can say, in effect, “I may not have completed everything I wanted to do (yet), but my life has been productive and meaningful, and I have made a difference. All in all, I have lived a life of integrity, and I like the person I have come to be.”

If we are less successful in this stage, we will judge our lives to have been unproductive, guilt-ridden, or disappointing, and we might experience a crisis of despair and hopelessness.

Visit any nursing home, and you will recognize individuals in each category.

Agreeing with Scripture, Erikson posited that successful navigation through this phase, as with any of life’s many trials (James 1:1-7), can produce maturity, patience, and the ability to accept death without fear.

Erikson was a smart fellow, without a doubt. But what does the Bible teach us about growing old from God’s perspective? A great deal, from beginning to end. Here are a few thoughts.

Older members of the family and community mentor younger generations. The Bible illustrates this in the relationships between Moses and Joshua, Jacob and his sons, Eli and Samuel, David and Solomon, Paul and Timothy. Teaching truth to the young is a biblical commandment:

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up (Deut. 6:6-7).

Teaching truth to our children and grandchildren and showing them how to walk in it is not optional.

Older members bless younger generations. The patriarchs solemnly spoke blessings and identity over their children. The aged Paul wrote to his protege Timothy, “Do not neglect the gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you” (1 Tim 4:14). Imagine how precious these words were to Timothy from his spiritual father, reminding him of who he was and what he was called to do!

Speaking words of blessing and affirmation over the young could determine their health, faith, and future.

Older saints encourage younger saints with their testimonies. The psalmist declared of God’s faithfulness, “I was young and now am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread” (Ps 37:5).

Caleb glorified God for keeping him alive for forty-five years after Moses had sent him to spy out the Promised Land, receiving a special allotment of that same piece of land. He was still strong and vigorous at 85 years old and was rewarded for his wholehearted obedience to the Lord (Josh 14:6-14).

Young soldiers must have been astonished and inspired by Caleb’s courage and faithfulness. Like Paul, those who have “finished the race” and “kept the faith” will receive the crown of righteousness the Lord promises to the faithful (2 Tim. 4:7-8).

This brings hope to all who witness it and follow the same path.

Elders model spiritual gifts of prayer, prophecy, and service to the church. The prophet Joel declared that when the Spirit comes in fullness, “young and old, male and female, will dream dreams and prophesy” (Joel 2:28).

Prophets Simeon and Anna, both quite elderly, physically and spiritually, discerned the presence of the promised king when Mary and Joseph brought their child to the temple (Luke 2:25-38).

Those with long experience can be wonderful role models of walking by the Spirit.

Older people often find it easier to be real. Drawing from The Velveteen Rabbit, I’ll let the Skin Horse explain:

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day.”

Real isn’t how you are made…It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”*

This is clearly more than a sweet storybook for children. When I shared the passage above with some friends of similar age at my birthday gathering a few years ago, we first got tears in our eyes, and then laughter broke out as we acknowledged how our “hair has been loved off,” our eyesight has diminished, our joints are now too loose or too tight, and we even feel a bit shabby some days.

But it’s not the stuff the world sees on the outside that defines our value or beauty. As the Apostle Peter instructed the godly women who were followers of Jesus,

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful (1 Peter 3:3-5).

Those whose lives are consumed with love and grace toward others, though it costs a lot and wears us down, eventually, carry a beauty that can’t be denied. This makes growing older an adventure to embrace rather than a tragedy to endure.

We can be sturdy people who aren’t hard and brittle, and don’t “break easily.” We can possess strength and resiliency, but remain soft and gentle with the vulnerable.

Older people can remind us of what truly matters. The book of Ecclesiastes, in which a preacher expresses a very dim view of the human propensity for “chasing after the wind,” also very simply expresses the ultimate priority in being human. He exhorts,

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say,
“I find no pleasure in them”—

He goes on to use many metaphors from nature to describe the difficulties and losses of aging—the dimming of eyesight and hearing, trembling, fatigue, white hair, loneliness, loss of pleasure and vigor—and concludes,

Remember him…before the dust returns to the ground it came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it…

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil. (portions of Eccl. 12:1-14)

Jolly fellow, this Teacher. He doesn’t pull any punches about the losses that come when our bodies start to wear out. But let’s go back to the beginning: “Remember your Creator!”

We dare not wait until we’re old and crotchety and on Medicare. We don’t wait until we have our career and family all figured out, or have achieved whatever we strive to achieve, or have a certain amount of money in the bank.

If we acknowledge, honor, and enjoy our Creator while still young, whatever happens from there is a bonus. I write this from my own experience.

I hope that when we all reach a point of incapacity, we will not feel fear or regret. We reflect on the reality that God has been with us throughout our journeys and will carry us through the experience of old age and death as well.

Let’s plan to enjoy God’s creation as long as we can, enjoying a great meal with family and friends, walking in beautiful places, watching the sunrise from a mountaintop, or the sunset from the beach.

Let’s keep responding in delight and wonder at a baby’s tiny toes, first cry, or first step. Let us never lose the capacity to tremble at the sound of a violin played well, to be overcome with joy by the presence of the Holy Spirit, or to be moved when a fellow human being performs a heroic act of love.

Life breaks all of our hearts at times, but in the end, let us be able to say it was all worth it.

___________________

*Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit. New York, NY: Doubleday, 1922.